A few weeks ago, I watched Meri (one of my herd) do something that came with a very big realization. She walked straight toward me, then stopped a few feet away not waiting for direction, not trying to “be good,” not checking whether her choice made sense to anyone else. Simple, yet profound.
The energy that I sensed was clear, honest, unapologetic and it hit me.
I used to live my whole life checking the room first before I moved. Who do I need to be here? What do they expect? How do I make sure I don’t mess it up? How do I matter? I was performing.
I didn’t wake up one day and decide to perform; I adapted. Somewhere along the way, my worth got tied to being “remarkable” and “remarkable” became whatever made me belong to the group I was in at the time.
Maybe you know that feeling, the one where you start reading people like a weather report. Scanning for clues. Shaping yourself just enough to fit. Never too much, never too little. Just enough to matter.
The wild thing is that we get good at it. So good, it becomes automatic.
THE MOMENT IT CRACKED FOR ME
Back to the pasture.
My horses were grazing, slow and steady, and I was watching one of them take up space with zero self-consciousness. Meanwhile, I could feel that old familiar tightness in my chest. The pull to “be the right version of me” even when I was alone.
That’s when it hit me. I spent years trying to matter in rooms where I wasn’t even being myself. It wasn’t rebellion, confidence or strategy that changed me. It was exhaustion.
Pure, bone-deep exhaustion from carrying an identity that wasn’t actually mine.
That day, I finally asked myself the real question:
“What if belonging doesn’t come from performing at all?”
THE ANTIDOTE (the real one)
It’s not a mindset trick, being louder or the adage “fake it ‘til you make it.”
It’s this:
You stop performing when you stop trying to earn belonging. Belonging you have to earn is not belonging. It’s a job and you’re allowed to quit.
The more I chose what actually felt like me, not what looked impressive, got praise, or what kept the peace, the easier everything became. I could feel the impact throughout my whole body. It was a huge exhale.
Choosing myself made my decisions clearer, my relationships simpler and the right people started finding me without me having to try to hard.
When you stop performing, the real you comes back online and she’s magnetic. Not because she’s trying to be but because she’s finally real.
IF YOU’RE TIRED OF PERFORMING, START HERE
You don’t need to overhaul your whole life. Start with something small:
Tell one tiny truth.
Wear something that feels like you.
Say “I actually don’t want to” instead of forcing the smile.
Let yourself breathe before you answer.
Stop apologizing for existing.
These small moments add up. They rebuild your life from the inside out. Slowly, you stop scanning the room for who to be. You start scanning yourself for what’s true. That’s where freedom and Living Wild Awake begins.
And that’s where you begin to matter not because you worked for it, but because you finally remembered – You never had to earn it in the first place.
Photo by Julie Harris Photography