There was a time when I needed everything to be mapped out. Every moment accounted for. Every emotion managed. Every possibility calculated and contained.
It wasn’t that I just needed everything organized. It was that I was afraid. Afraid that if I loosened my grip, I’d fall apart. Afraid that if I really felt what was happening in my body, it might be too much. So I lived from the neck up strategizing, planning, staying busy, always in control.
It worked for a while.
But eventually, I noticed the hollowness. I couldn’t feel myself anymore. Not really.
I was disconnected from my body. Disconnected from the rhythms of rest and aliveness. Disconnected from the quiet inner voice that doesn’t scream but always knows.
So now I’m asking a different question:
Where do I go without a map?
And more importantly…
Can I trust myself to navigate without controlling every step?
It’s been a slow return. Not a dramatic awakening, but a steady softening. A practice of tuning in instead of tightening up. Noticing the moments when I grip, and choosing (when I can) to let go.
I’m learning that the body is not a thing to control; it’s a compass. And when I stop trying to override it, it shows me where the energy is, where the joy is, where the truth is.
I’m starting to follow what feels good, instead of what feels safe. To trust the sparks of curiosity. To rest when I’m tired. To move when I’m inspired. To listen, really listen, before I act.
It’s messy. It’s tender. But it’s mine.
So if you’re in that place too where the control is cracking, and the old way no longer works, I just want you to know: you’re not doing it wrong.
You’re remembering. You’re reconnecting. You’re learning to trust the map within.
Photo by Thijs Kremers on Unsplash
