I used to believe that if I could just understand something deeply enough, it would change – name it, reframe it, make sense of it.
And for a while, that worked. Until it didn’t.
What I’ve come to see, especially in midlife, is that mindset work can only take us so far. Because so many of us aren’t stuck in our thoughts. We’re stuck in our nervous systems.
We’ve lived decades braced.
Holding it together.
Reading the room.
Staying alert.
Being responsible.
Being “fine.”
That kind of living doesn’t unwind just because we tell ourselves a new story.
I learned this most clearly one afternoon with the horses.
I was standing quietly in the pasture with a woman who had done all the inner work. Therapy. Coaching. Books. Journals filled edge to edge. She could articulate exactly why she felt the way she did and where it came from.
And still her body was tight, her breath was shallow, her shoulders never dropped.
Thor walked up and stopped a few feet in front of her. Didn’t touch her. Didn’t move closer. Just stood there.
Then Thor did something subtle but unmistakable, she exhaled. Long. Slow. Audible.
Within seconds, this woman’s body followed. Her breath changed before her mind could catch up.
Her shoulders softened and tears came out of nowhere.
She looked at me and said, almost surprised, “I didn’t even know I was holding that.”
That’s the thing.
The body doesn’t respond to insight. It responds to safety.
You can think a new thought, but if your nervous system is still on high alert, your body will keep living the old pattern. Not because you’re broken but because it’s trying to protect you.
This is why I no longer believe mindset work is the foundation. It’s a doorway, yes. But not the house.
Nervous system regulation. Somatic awareness. Trauma-informed presence. These aren’t add-ons. They’re where real change begins.
The horses don’t ask us to fix anything. They don’t care how self-aware we are. They respond to what’s happening underneath the words.
And every time, they remind me:
Healing doesn’t start with trying harder.
It starts with settling enough to feel.
So if you’ve been doing “all the work” and still feel tense, tired, or quietly on edge, nothing has gone wrong.
Your body is just asking for a different kind of conversation now.
One that doesn’t require effort. Only honesty. And a little space to finally exhale.
Photo by Shana Yurko Creative